


I Can't Lose You Again

by deaniethemeanie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Canon Divergence from 14x08, Fluff and Angst, Human Dean Winchester, Hunter Dean Winchester, Hunter Sam Winchester, Idiots in Love, M/M, Sacrifice, Self-Sacrifice, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 17:39:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17166350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaniethemeanie/pseuds/deaniethemeanie
Summary: After a long hunt with Sam, Dean returns back at the bunker to an emotional Cas. He discovers the sacrifice that was made to save Jack, and comes to some realizations.This one-shot is canon up until season 14 episode 8.





	I Can't Lose You Again

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! There are some things I wanna mention and the first one is this.  
> For anyone who's read the online dating destiel fic I'm in the process of making, you probably noticed how it hasn't been updated in quite some time. And to keep it frank, that's because I'm not too sure on how to continue it.  
> If I figure out the rest of the story-line or how I want things to happen, I'll let you guys know. But until then, I'm struggling at coming up with ideas.  
> I have a few ideas of different fics I want to make, ones that I can see myself actually finishing. I'm still hoping to finish the one I already started.  
> But I hope you guys like this one-off fic, and please be aware that it will have season 14 spoilers.

It’s nearly ten at night, and him and Sam finally arrived back at the bunker after a long ass fight with a ghoul. His legs are aching, his eyelids feel heavy and he’s sporting a big, red bruise on his elbow. What Dean needs right now is a drink, then his ass will hit the hay.

Dean clambers down the steps that lead inside the bunker with Sam trailing his humungous moose legs behind him. He turns around to spare a look at his younger brother.

“I’m gonna go find some liquor in the kitchen,” Dean tells him with exhaustion evident in his voice. “Or just something that’ll put me in a coma for at least a decade.” He twists his head forward and reaches the bottom of the staircase.

“Yeah, man. That ghoul kicked my ass, and I mean literally,” Sam huffs a laugh and treads over to the map table to take a well-deserved seat.

Dean chuckles at the memory that conjures up in his mind. He recalls the moment when Sammy was hunting the ghoul, and it – quite literally – kicked him square in the ass. Why his ass out of all places? Nobody will ever know.

“I’m surprised you didn’t go straight to bed and chose instead to sit on a hard chair,” Dean points out and takes a seat across from Sam.

Sam stares at Dean for a few moments, and it’s as if he just realizes what he did, which to be fair, he probably did.

“I’m so out of it, dude,” Sam says with a shake of his head. “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Sam struggles to get out of his seat, most likely due to all the bruises he’ll probably wake up with in the morning. Once he finally manages to get out of his seat, he passes Dean on the way to his bedroom and pats him twice on the shoulder.

Dean rests at the map table for a prolonged moment, just staring idly at his hands on the table. He really does enjoy a good hunt – especially with his brother – but at the end of one, he always needs at least a day or two to rest.

Dean stands up from his chair with a groan and balances himself using the back of the chair. Jesus, he’s getting too old for this shit.

With some effort, he practically limps down the hall and is about to enter the kitchen when he sees Cas sitting at the kitchen table. His elbows are resting on the flat surface and his face is in his hands.

Carefully, Dean walks over to the table and sits at the opposite end of Cas. It isn’t until he shifts in his chair does Cas notice his presence.

Suddenly, Cas tears his face from his hands and sits stiffly in the chair, staring at Dean with wide eyes.

“Dean, you can’t just ‘sneak up’ on people like that,” Cas says, with air quotes and everything.

Dean rolls his eyes fondly at the angel and leans back in his chair. “If you get to scare the shit outta me at least a dozen times, I think it’s only fair to do it to you,” he remarks smugly with a grin creeping up on his face.

Cas frowns at Dean, still sitting stiffly in his chair, but he notices the fondness in his eyes that he always directs specifically at Dean.

Dean then remembers how they even got here, and wants to ask Cas what’s on his mind, but is unsure of how to do so. It’s so rare that anyone ever sees Cas at a moment of weakness. The angel is always confident and sure of his motives, or he’s just damn good at hiding if he isn’t.

Dean’s features soften into one he hopes is friendly and shows that the subject is dropped.

“So, man, what’re you doing awake all alone in the kitchen?” he asks Cas softly, hoping not to rile him up.

“I don’t sleep, Dean,” he points out with a deeper frown blossoming on his face.

Dean chastises himself in his shitty way of wording the sentence.

 “Yeah, I know that,” he says with an eye roll. With more caution, he slowly drags his eyes up to meet Cas’ from across the table. “Is somethin’ bothering you, Cas?”

Castiel shifts in his seat and looks down at the table in front of him, avoiding Dean’s eyes.

“No, Dean. Everything is fine,” Cas says, neutral.

Dean clicks his tongue. “Oh yeah, because getting all squirmy definitely helps prove that,” he says sarcastically. He attempts to get Cas to meet his eyes, but the angel wont budge. His eyes are glued to the table.

Seconds, minutes or maybe even hours go on with tense silence. If Cas wants to tell him what’s wrong, then that’ll be his choice. If there’s anything Dean can understand, it’s not liking the heart-to-heart discussions about shit that’s eating you up.

Out of nowhere, Cas asks, voice quiet and gravelly, “Do you remember when you expressed how relieved you were for us to get Jack back with no strings attached?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Dean asks, confusion in his voice.

Cas somehow seems to shrink even more into the chair, and it’s so unlike Castiel to be so afraid, so small.

“There may have been, a price to pay with resurrecting Jack,” Cas says so gently, that if Dean wasn’t already listening with rapt attention, then he might not have heard what he said.

Dean feels all the blood drain from his body, his body goes rigid in seconds, and he stares daggers at Cas from across the table.

“Cas,” he starts, “what the hell did you do?”

Cas’ eyes that are trained on everything but Dean, move so they’re now looking in Dean’s mossy eyes.

“Do you know how when angels die, they are sent to the empty?” he asks.

Realisation dawns on Dean’s features, but he needs to clarify. “You mean that cosmic entity that brought you back because you annoyed the shit out of it’s nap? Was it from the empty?”

Cas nods, resigned, like dying and being trapped in a place that sounds terrifying isn’t anything new for him. Quite honestly, it isn’t, and that’s the sad part.

“When Jack died,” his eyes shutter for a moment, because even reminiscing that memory still haunts them all, “he went to heaven. But, he’s a Nephilim, which means he is half angel- “

“And that means he wasn’t in the right spot,” Dean finishes, fear coating his insides. “Did the empty do something?”

Cas just stares into Dean’s eyes, and he notices there’s wetness forming in them. What the hell happened-

“Yes.”

Dean clenches his fists in his lap. He dreads finding out what Cas did, but he needs to know. Because if something happens to Cas, if Cas dies- No. He can’t think like that. But what if it’s another deal like he made with Billie, what if-

“Cas, please tell me you didn’t give up your life, or I swear to fucking god,” his breaths are coming out ragged, and his mind is all over the place. He’s so fucking terrified to be told he’s right.

There’s silence for a beat, then a soft, “I’m sorry, Dean.”

He’s out of his seats in seconds, his hands slam down furiously onto the table before him.

“How long?!” he shouts, enraged. “How long did you get, huh?! A year, a month- or no, was it a week?!”

Tears are streaming freely down Cas’ face by this point, his eyes returned to staring blankly at the table.

“Until I find happiness. But Dean, that won’t happen,” he convinces, to himself or Dean, he’s not sure. “With the life that hunters have to endure, that I have to live, there is no happiness in it.”

Cas is being reasonable and though his excuses are valid, all Dean sees is red. He can’t lose Cas again, not after he knows what it’s like to be without him. Getting Cas back was his fucking win! He can’t have that taken away from him, he just fucking can’t.

“Wanna know what it was like to lose you last year?” he says calmly, with fire boiling underneath the surface.

“Dean- “

“No, Cas! It was fucking hell! Everyone around me acted like what happened didn’t happen at all, while I was fucking pissed!” he roars. “I never thought you were gonna come back, and I- I saw you fucking die and I didn’t do anything!”

“Dean, there was nothing you could have done- “

“I don’t care! When you died, and mom got put into the alternate universe with Lucifer, I had nothing,” he’s clenching his fists so hard, he wouldn’t be surprised if he’s leaving nail marks on the palm of his hands. But he won’t be seen crying, he can’t. “I didn’t give a rat’s ass if the sun didn’t rise for me the next morning and I was never able to live another day. I just couldn’t- “ he breaks off with something akin to a whimper.

“I couldn’t live without you,” he finishes.

Cas gradually lifts his eyes and pierces his stare into his. There are tear tracks on each side of Cas’ face, and his eyes are red rimmed. But his stare is as powerful as the day he met him.

His breath leaves him in a rush, and something suddenly dawns on him.

He’s in love with Cas.

They’re staring at each other, Dean standing from across the table and Cas sitting in his chair on the other end. The room is heavy with tension, and something else unnamed too.

Slowly, Dean walks to the other side of the table, and it feels like hours, but it’s probably only seconds. But Cas gingerly gets up from his chair, and now they’re both standing in front of one another.

The room is heated, and not by the temperature, but from their proximity. Dean softly, unsurely, raises his hand and delicately cups Cas’ jaw.

Castiel’s breath hitches, and for a split second his eyes drop down to Dean’s lips, but they’re back to his eyes so fast it was like they were never there. His hand moves from his jaw, to slip and card through his hair. Cas’ eyes close and his head leans into the touch.

“I can’t fucking lose you again,” he whispers softly, then suddenly he’s pulling Cas in by the waist with his other hand and he’s softly kissing him on the lips.

Cas whimpers, fucking whimpers, and he fists his hand in the front of Dean’s shirt. He kisses back with fervor and tightens his hold on Dean.

Dean moans and softly cards his fingers through Cas’ soft strands of hair, and carefully back him up to the closest wall. Cas’ back hits the wall which leads to a moan, and he moves the hand that was tightly gripped to Dean’s shirt, down to Dean’s waist.

The kiss is all tongue and the soft slide of lips, but Dean can’t lead it to something more. Cas is important and deserves more.

Deans slows the kisses down, each one leaving them both as breathless as the first, and on the final one he draws the kiss out as long as he can, then pulls away, panting.

Dean’s eyes are closed, but when he opens them it’s to Cas smiling fondly at him. They’re both still clinging to each other, their hair and clothing are all fucked to hell, and it’s perfect.

“We will find a way to fix this, Cas. Whatever it takes.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was a bit rushed, please forgive me for that. But I felt the urge to write a mini fic about this, so I did. All criticism is welcomed, but please keep things polite and friendly. Love you guys.


End file.
